fences up

Love....relationships.....I really don't know what these words mean.

I mean, I give plenty advice to friends when they need someone to talk to, but I never seem to take it for myself.

Ok, maybe I should start from the beginning.

Well, I won't trace back to middle school, because...well let's face it that was all crap and we didn't know what we were doing back then. (or really now for the matter =/)
Hmmm...in highschool, freshmen year; I met a senior named Hector who was in my choir class. One day, he saw me crying because I just lost my best friend (stupid drama). He tried to make me feel better and he did soooo we became friends. I soon learned though, that he wanted a lot more then a friendship. Of course me being new, I thought sure why not...he's a senior, what's the worse that can happen.....

I NEVER KNEW THAT A GUY COULD GET SOOOO CLINGY. He would do such bazarre things to me like write poems in a binder and tell me to read them while listening to Coldplay?!
I just felt very sufficated. We lived in two different worlds. He was a senior who was getting ready for college and he has plans for me and him to stick it out while he was there; whereas, I was a freshmen just barely learning who the heck she was herself.

Towards the end of the relationship, I would try to find ways to get out. I would fight with him, but everytime i did, he would be the one ending up saying sorry....when I knew it was my fault.

I left horrible.

When I finally realized it had it had to end for good, was when he was apologizing again and said...I LOVE YOU.

Three words I have never said to a guy till this day. You see, I have a strong opinion about this phrase. I feel that now and days, people say it so much that it lost its meaning. I know that the day I finally say that to someone....I'll probably marry him....it means that much to me.

So...when I realized that we felt completely different about each other, it had to end.

It wasn't until three years later that I saw him again. I was at my new bestfriend's graduation and he sneaked behind me. We must have talked for 5 minutes and that was it...or so I thought. I think two days later, I was getting ready to go out of town for state competition with my bestfriend. While on the bus, she tells me that apparently when he saw me, all the emotions came back and he wanted a second chance....what?! Till this day I still don't get that. =/

The reason why I'm explaining this part of my life is because i'm convinced that because of these events in my past....I have really bad Karma

ugh...will be continued